the sad tuesday

it was a horrible Tuesday for me.

i get accused everytime for things i did not do/ not within my control. today tt arrogant guy flare up n scolded me like there's no tmr. he assumed tt i did not cor to check (wen i did) and assumed tt everythg i said to him were not correct information. wth.

because of all de emotions bottled up in me, i brokedown unexpectedly. i cried in front of my colleagues. who cares bout face at tt pt in time. i didnt ask my tears to flow, it jus did uncontrollably. it jus reminded me of the times at scb, hell experience equivalent. i tink i shocked everyone wif my tears. i felt so disgraceful. i cant even stand up for myself. no matter how angry i am, i cant possibly insist tt im right? cos tt guy is an ultra ego guy, and he is the one who writes my appraisal. how?! i dun wan to b backlisted like one of my colleague :/

exams are coming. i studied halfway, and just cried. im not sad bcos of exams, its the stress inside me. monday while tokin to my boy, him askin me how am i, i just brokedown and cry again. am i speechless or am i jus feelin lost? i dunno. the fear of failing exams, not doing well, its frightening me i guess.

one nite overheard wad my mum said, it sorta jus demoralise me (again). she told my sis tt she's waitin for her to sponsor her to xxx country for holiday. she prolly tout she cant rely on this spendthrift daughter of hers. i felt v unappreciated. no matter wad i do, it doesnt pls her. the heart hurts. i dun hav to save for her trip anymore.

at times, sucidal thoughts come into my mind. i dun seem to satisfy anyone, no one seems happy wif me. the worst happens wen even my boy isnt happy wif me. it makes me feel as if the whole world are filled wif aliens and im all alone to cope wif all this shits. i hate myself.

i try to forgive n forget. but wenever such unfair treatment comes along, it makes me doubt my presence at home. wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, study, sleep. the only consolation factor is prolly stayin over at my boy's plc over de wkend. at least i dun hav to face home 7 days a wk.

how well do they know their daughter? *cries*

-I miss you very much dear. Take care while you're outfield.. *Lost in thoughts*-

tis wk pass pretty fast i tink? with my boy being so busy in camp, and me being busy wif my sch stuff, time reali flies. its been a tiring wk for my boy, slpin less than 3 hrs a day! *faint* one of de days, he told me to wake him up at 3.45 am if i cld wake up! omg. i practically din slp de whole nite, fearin i wun b able to wake him up on time :/ his buddy is on MC thus no one to cor him man. as u noe, he's a sleepy pig! hehehe.. *jokes*

nth impt to announce.. but stil.. ahem.. im officially 21! hehehe.. havin mixed feelings tho. b4 i reached 21, always felt happy wenever i cel my b/day, cos im reachin adulthood soon! but now tt im 21, i feel ultra old! hahaha..and more responsibilities surfacing!

ok lar, dun tink too much for now =p met June and Angeline babe over the wk too. thanks for the dinner and gift :) really really very happy! *smiles* it was a good time catching wif 2 of them! its been how long since i met Angeline babe? 9 mths! LOL..frenship is not measured by distance or time yea? feelin happy for her too. she's going to Taiwan wif her boy in June after their exams! hehe *sweet sweet sweet*

thats June @ NYDC:


hehe:


Friday nite, my boy tried giving me a surprise, but it failed! lol.. he told me he couldnt book out, so cld only wish me Happy Birthday on the fone (which i was ok wif in fact). den i heard like those wind blowing while tokin to him, casually i ask him lar, where u now? he still wanna kp a secret and say he's in bunk, n tt his place v windy! LOL..

being the nice me, i didnt spoil his surprise ok! yeah he ended up appearing at the lobby of my plc and wish me happy Birthday :) hehehe. *smiles* it was a short one as it was late, but im really happy for tt. *thank u so much*

Saturday was erh... horrible to wake him up! wahahaha.. he took 3 hours to wake up manz! imagine i hang down de fone after him tellin me he's going to wash up aldy, den half an hr later, i realised he wen bk to slp! lol.. *ah bish*

my boy drove down to Wheelock and we had lunch @ Big O :) it was a simple Saturday, no specific celebration, but it was memorable :) watched Date Movie @ MS den did a bit of shopping! hehe, received my variable bonus liao =p come dinner time, we settled our hungry stomachs @ Wisma's Ding Tai Fung! *yummy* loves the xiao long bao so muchie!





hehehe~ our legs hurt quite a bit wif all the walkin in de noon, so we decided to not watch our 2nd movie. another day perhaps :) my boy drove to Kent Ridge Park thereafter to romantic-romantic, LOL! nice cosy place =) heh.



the later part of the nite was spent supper-ing wif ah mou n piggy :) had de usual prata and wen driving ard lookin at big houses n beautiful cars! =p so shiok! lol. superb tired de moment we got home. check my mail for any sch updates, den off we wen to dreamland. my boy told me he's so tired he dun even feel like bathing! lol.

*tired tired tired* got up ard 11 on Sunday. back hurts! did some misc stuff, lazed ard, feelin so lazy! lol. we wen out late noon, back to the house we viewed last nite! it was too dark last nite, so wen again to check it out! muahahah~ had dinner @ PS's foodcourt. my boy n i were aiming to eat de same food! *corny* i told him, b4 we left hse, i aldy had in mind eating xxx. den at the carpark he told me "hey later we go eat xxx la?" heh, the telepathy still works! LOL.

very tired back home. lotsa things to do in fact but no motivation :/ sigh, hopeless me! my boy's gonna be very busy till mid may, sob! expecting some wkends to be burnt liao, hugs. we're gonna get new couple specs next month! wahahha. not exactly 'couple specs' but rather the same outlook? aiyah, dunno how to describe, but liao den show! hehehe... *excited*

its gonna be another hell wk of work! anyway, wishes for the 2 couples hu just got together! heh. sweet sweet sweet :):):) enjoy the joy love can bring u! *smiles*

bah, my com has officially died. totally cant work, sad.i am so dead wif all my assignment deadline. sigh sigh...sad :/

MIA!

heh birthday pictures :)

okie im back :) hehe. thank u all for coming to my 21st birthday party =) the pictures expresses all joy yah? hehe.

oh yea, i finally hav a brand new scanner, so tadah!the love message tt appeared on New Paper on Valentines Day! hehe, so happy to see it =)



heh..with the balloons my boy bought :) my fav pooh bear! hehe



the outlook of the chalet:


with jinwei and ah mou :)


with leng leng, brenda, jolin & janis :)


with my parents :)


with claire and aloy :)


with yao kun and meijun :)


with farhan, jeff and christian :)


with ah chan and peg :)


with joyce, cj, lihe and ro :)


with jolyn and don :)


with peiling and candy :)


with the guys hu came so late! hehe :P


hehe a picture of fun laughter n joy :P


hehe the key tiramisu birthday cake. my boy melted my heart wen he chose to play "Tong Hua" before the birthday song was sang :P it was a song tt signify our love, he told me "its ok if they dunno wad it means, as long as u noe, its for u" *melt melt melt* LOL.. touched but i control, cannot cry! too many ppl liao! *grin*



-ok i lazy to post the rest taken togeda wif de bdae cake liao-

Photos of my 21st birthday can be taken @:

http://sg.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/jacpiggie/my_photos

Cheers~

thank you everyone, for ur gifts, and most imptly ur presence :) really appreciate it a lot :) thank u mum n dad, n my boy too, for helping out in everythg to make sure all goes well :) *smiles*

-ah, my speaker suddenly choose to have sound today! lol.. its been so muted for a few mths n i couldnt find out wads wrong wif it. but today it finally worked! can play "tong hua" le! muahahah-

the updated one :)

(written @ work again, hee)

Gawd..my body aches.. I need a massage..! lol.. been feelin very lethargic these weeks. Going for lectures, rushing out assignments blah blah. Its reali torturing on my health! Days wen I hav lectures, by the time I get home its already 11+! And I actually 'took a rest' during lectures, lol. Too tired, so I doze off for awhile..hehe.

Tis term is really bad. I really cant understand wad the lecturer is saying! Save me. He toks like a bullet train, I cld only catch like 50%? Hai. My fren feedback tt to him, askin him to slow down, guess wad he said? 'oh that is not possible. Askin me to slow down is like askin me to stand wif one leg'. Wa lau,.. ok lor. His lessons are also very draggy.. sigh sigh.

These tiredness have made me lose some of my memory. Brain cells are dying.. seriously cant recall wad I’ve been doin lately. Using the pictures I took to recap now..

Taking wif de beautiful flowers my boy gave me for V-day:



Bah. He was late, and I cld feel de unhappiness in me. Msged him..and he stil replied me in a very nice manner = very unlike him! So wen I finally met up wif him, he took out de bouquet of flowers wif de cute little bear that goes “'mmwahhh I love u I love u'. gee, in the car, he told me he was late bcos he wen to get flowers + the florist took her own time to arrange! Lol.. he said 'I had to put down my ego and still msg u nicely lor..'bah. I waited for 1hr+ for him, of cuz will be a little unhappy rite! Ok la, but his reason is accepted:):):) thank you for the beautiful flowers baby~

Oh well, but good things always come to an end. I rem we had a heated argument thereafter in the afternoon. Sigh. What for gimme flowers wen things r still going wrong..hai. took quite a long time to tok it out calmly. I tink we spent de whole Saturday brooding on it. Ever since he entered this unit, de stress level increase and more easily short-termpered. –hugs- I hope things like this wun happen again. Hai. He told me 'sorry to imprint such sad memories into your life. But they’ll remain as memories, good to be forgotten cos it wun happen le. Never ever..baby u mean a great deal to me, I dun wanna lose u. hope u still love me, cos im always loving u. so many things I wanna tell u, so little time, im sorry for putting u thru this hardship, it’ll be over soon'.

We wen out after tt, but I cant rem where. Spent de nite at my boy’s place before we headed to Raffles City for coffee on Sunday. Hee, took some funny pictures:

his va actress, jeanette aw! hehe..


aint he lucky to have 3 pretty ladies hehe..




Celebrated my mum’s birthday on one of de Saturdays too. It’s a tradition in my family to have a meal togeda, den on de actual day cake-cutting =) dinner was @ Marina Square’s Pariss Buffet! Hee, first time there, so very excited :p the food there is pretty good, esp if you enjoy eating oyster.. salmon etc. it’ll be value for money eh.

My boy picked me up for breakfast on Sunday on de way back fr camp. It was a short day as he was feelin tired. So nothing much about tt day.. –hugs-

some shots taken, thanks to IG:







our fav pic:


jus before leaving:


the love renewal (?):


Happy (very) belated anniversary baby!

We din exactly countdown to the day, but we were by each other’s side tt nite:)

Finally.. I could present to him the scrapbook I’ve been workin on for the past year. Everytime very tempted to show him lor. Den wen I buy those materials, I also cant tell him wad is it for.. so xin ku to keep a surprise! But I tink this the first time I succeeded to make it a surprise! Hehe. De rest.. all he found out earlier.. not fair~

Some snapshots of the scrapbook:













Had a very simple celebration. We woke up early to makan @ Suntec’s Porridge Buffet! Very yummy n cheap! Hehe. Caught the movie ‘Rumour Has It’ too..nice touching show, hehe :p din had much time togeda, but it was a lovely day to remember :p love you.

last wkend was spent @ my boy's fren's birthday party. Happy 21st Birthday Meijun! :p so many March babies! hehe.. :D

You make me love you more and more each day. time is short, I’ll treasure every moment I have with you. I wish tis fairytale wil nv end.. but I feel a bad hunch,. few nites ago, I dreamt of bad things happening to us, like history of my past r/s happening to tis as well, gosh. Hopefully, its just my crazy thoughts running again.. we'll still go thru thick n thin wif each other :) love u as much as u love me :D

the long entry

long time since i penned down a detailed entry *lazy* gee. oh well, my life aint tt exciting anyway hur. ha.

Valentines Day just passed in the blink of an eye. Happy Belated Valentines Day To All! hehe :p hope u'all had a fab one, wif ur love ones :) It can be Friendship Day, Lovers Day or Family Day hur? heh. very pleased to see the Loveline Advertisement on New Paper too :) *smiles*

Valentines Day fell on a wkday so my boy and i celebrated de wkend in advance. It was a very simple day as we din reali make any specific plans. jus a dinner @ Manhattan Fish Market, afterwhich we headed to the Esplanade for Hot Brownie w/ice cream @ Black Angus. It was also the last day of CNY, thus managed to catch the fireworks! hehe :p might sound abnormal, but i simply love the outlook of fireworks, lol. the colourful lights depict hope for me. colourful fireworks = colourful life we'll have. muahaha...*lame*

i was on leave on Monday, tryin to settle a lot of my sch stuff but end up din reali accomplish a lot, sigh. feelin quite down wif my stupid studies in fact, but cant do much to it. some things r not reali going well and its reali depressing noeing bout some things. some things i dun understand, yet i've to force myself to understand. for the sake of wad? i dunno. some pt of time, i wish i cld jus stop studyin n relax my mind. *sigh*

the week at work was pretty ok. spent some time doin my assignment. hav to liase wif my project mates for some assignment too. wonder how we're gonna squeeze thru our so-limited time. now tt my com is sorta screwed up, i dunno how the hell am i gonna do my work too :( my brother aint a least helpful. im stuck wif tis dumbo com which a lot of things n programs i dun hav. and no one in my family bothers la, cos they hav their own com to start wif. crap.

nothin much to look fwd to tis yr i feel. hopefully a tentative Bangkok trip is coming along the way mid tis yr. my boy ask me if i wanna go togeda wif his frens + gf. i hav a bad hunch bout work by mid yr cos my colleague is going on maternity leave = work all left for me to do. crap.

times wen im feelin so upset, so depressed, so torn apart, there's no one except tis blog tt i can turn to. so ironic, but its true. we had some disturbances recently, quarrels that led to a lot of tears. i hav no idea how tis letter came bout, whether it is bcos my boy felt bad, or wadever wadever reasons there might be. It touched me indeed. but is it good or bad? being touched = becoming more soft hearted. he wrote:

My Dearest Xinyi,

Surprised I called you that? This letter was actually meant to be written in Chinese, but CMI, every 2 characters I would forget how to write one of them =p

As the lecture goes on, slowly eating the time I could have spent with you on Valentines Day! I yearn to celebrate such an occasion with you. Furthermore, it could have been our first together. Reflecting back, I realised I havent been good to you in the sense of adding some spice or romance into our r/s. It feels sucky inside me.

Ever since the night I poured out my heartfelt worries & sadness to you, I felt less worrying about things of the future. There's more in life out there. Like making you happy, seeing my family stay healthy: makes me happy. It really hit me in the face that I am owing you a lot of debt, emotional debt. Love and romance shoudl always be present no matter how far apart we are or how long we're together. I know I should put in more effort to make up for this. My only explanation for now is Combat E is really taking a toll on my energy and even health.

I understand your insecurities and the unstable future you worry about. Sometimes I feel helpless. But baby, I'm cracking my head for my future career so as to better provide for you, for us and our family.

Sometimes my decisions may seem to display a disadvantage or something you would not be happy about, its because I have things to consider. Wait for me k dearest? Wait till I commission and things get settled down, I promise things will be better, if it doesnt, I will make it better. I love you baobei, i miss you.

Loving you always,

Wilson

the words he wrote made me cry. deep in my heart, i hope every single word is true :) i feel a shaky r/s emerging, but deep inside, i hope im wrong. or perhaps im jus living in self-denial? ha. time will show everything.. *ponders* i get quite upset wen frens come into the picture of our quarrels. 3rd party will never understand.. *cries*

the past few conversations i had wif a fren made me question bout myself. she had some disputes wif a fren whom she knew yrs ago. trust was the problem. some misunderstanding happen between dem i tink. friendship can be so fragile. she made a remark "even tho i know u later than them, i tink you're a better fren than them and i feel you're more trustworthy. you're always there for your frens". is that true? i noe myself, its a clear no.

i try to be there for them, but i've my own personal life too. once in awhile i'll jus drop one or two sms-es askin bout their well-being :) it makes me happy noeing that the pple ard me are doing good *smiles* pple change - ive leanrt tt thru my 3 yrs in poly. do wad u tink is right, but dun expect ppl to treat u de same good way too.

den days after, she had some problem wif her r/s. as usual, me being a thrid party, i can nv understand what they're going thru so ive no say either. thereafter, she commented: "i wish i was at least half like you. you're nice to pple & you seem to be so easily contented. i can nv hav a r/s like you". i tink the first person hu'll object to tt sentence will be my boy, lol.

i am neither nice, nor easily contented! lol.. i jus wan to treasure the good things tt hav come into my life right now. who noes wen god is going to tk them away fr me? i dun even noe if my current r/s can work out well, its a risk tt we all take, we have a choice, but often, we put ourself into such vulnerable position tt our heart speak more than our mind :/ nothin is certain, i wan to be happy wif my current situation :) i just got back my previous modules project marks and am very satisfied wif it :D First Class isnt easy to get; its definitely a boost to my morale and i hope i can do the same for my future modules :) Thank you teacher.

*the body of our r/s is shaky, but the root is still firm. our love is strong (i hope). i dunno how else to help, if you dun help urself, no one will be able to. stay strong my dear. be more determined and dun fall. even if you fall, i'll be there to catch you :) my heart still beats for you and i hope its the same for you too. thank u for the flowers, its really lovely*

another one more year and 3 months.. its getting unbearable..

our thoughts

i saw him tear the second time..*sigh*

we had a heart-to-heart talk last nite. he had many thoughts on his mind, many worries.

the past 2wks, he has been sending me some 'unique' sms-es. Unique as in words he dun usually say, and not reali 'like him' to say it.

"you're my motivation to succeed in tis course and in life. im determined to complete this course. thanks for the encouragement & support. i love u so much to lose u, dun ever leave me.im here for today, tmr and the future always.."

"i dun wan anythg to be in between us. im happy doin things for u and wanna spend as much time wif u as possible. after the 2 yrs,i'll leave the status as a boyfriend and become ur husband!i wan u to witness the good that will come into our r/s in future:)"

"you're on my mind everywhere i go..been tinkin a lot financially, parents health n ur well being..so many things happening here makin me wanna giv up. but wad drives me to hold on is my parents & ur support."

i guess he's been tinkin quite a lot, till he sorta 'brokedown' n tear last nite. extra burden is on him takin into account de fact tt he's de only child. he feels bad tt at sucha age, his parents r still workin for him, and he cant provide dem wif much. :/ *sigh*

stuff in army arent going too good too. my boy has completed his course n is back at de horrible place till June. thoughts of giving up came into him. he felt tt if he cld opt for a 8-5 job, he wld be able to spend more time wif his parents, more imptly his mum. *cries*

he worries for them, his studies, and our r/s. determined to study, yet worried bout the fees etc. then he's afraid of not being able to make me happy. *double sigh* and silly me, after hearing all his worries, i asked him a stupid question "am i being a burden to u.."?

i tink i feel at fault seeing him so vexed wif stuff yet i cant lift a helpin hand, thus tt question came to my mind. *sorry dearest* time n again, he consoled me n gave me assurance, yet i dunno why i hav such thoughts. our "we'll go through thick n thin together" still stands :)

i cant wait for the arrival of June - "it'll be the proudest moment of my life to my parents and you".

as we were talking, my constant stomach pain was unbearable. its been quite frequent recently, n its always at nite. *sigh* some nites, i wonder, wad if one day i kena some deadly sickness, den hu is going to tk care of my parents oso? *cries* its scary tinkin of it, but death is still unavoidable regardless of age :/ seein my brother 'directionless', and my sis aint reali working, i feel a heavy load on my shoulders. whats worse, i hav my studies to be concern bout. sigh.

instances wen i feel so stressed out, touts of giving up came into my mind too. i try to appear that im coping well, for fear that they'll worry unduly, but sometimes, i feel the 'breaking-down' stage too. i hope i wun disappoint them. it'll be the proudest moment for my family and my boy too :)

*stay strong my love. thats wad u always tel me rite? we'll overcome everything togeda okie?:) i hope im reali not a burden to you. i wan to see u happy, as much as u wan to see me happy :) love u*

shang xin

hao shang xin. hao xin tong.

the new year

(updates for the cny & the wkend)

1 week has passed since de commenement of the CNY. meaning.. no more holidays till April! how sad! =(

Like every other yr, first day of the CNY was spent mostly at my father's side. At nite, my boy came to pick me up and i'd dinner @ his granny's plc. Everyone was there so it was a huge crowd, heh. It was a gambling nite as usual, lol. My boy was bz watchin his soccer, so i played on behalf of him, lol.

He dozed off as usual, and wen he woke up, i won 60 bucks liao! heh. before that, we were losing quite huge sum of $$ cos he was forced to be de banker! :/ I learnt a new game called "In Between" tho. fun! hehe. interesting~ we stayed till bout 2 b4 we cmi, lol.. busy playin so no photos! i muz say, gambling is getting more fun! LOL~

2nd day of CNY was spent visiting my mum's side. cool, my uncle changed car again! hehe.. now can fit 2 big families :) my boy came over in de evening and stayed for dinner. he had a late sumptuous Sakae Sushi lunch wif his frens b4 tt so wasnt too hungry, ahha. can see his tummy growing liao, hee.

we left only after all my relatives wen bk :) watched Fearless @ Marina Sq. nice show but my eyes hurt de whole movie cos of my lens, sob! been wearin it too long :/

anyway, i wanna complain. my parents + aunties gave him de same amt as dey gave me! hur. not fair rite? hmph~

my boy picked me up on de 3rd day of CNY. hehe wen his place to pai nian first. i muz say, my boy's mum looked gr8 in red! hehe~ stunning :) another ang pao from her! hehe *grin* send his mum to his grand uncle's plc after tt. wooh, condo @ Simei! finally, a East resident! heh. we headed to Chnagi Airport thereafter for ice-cream! lol.

the greedy him:


he surprised me wif tis cute flower saying "specially for you", hehe:


the 2 of us @ Changi Airport:


after tt full meal, we drove bk to his uncle's plc, for gambling, again! lol.. seriously, his cousins r quite mad! especially de small ones! only like in primary sch? and they're mad over gambling ok! ask dem to be banker dey also refuse! so clever! heh.

we played all de way from 4, and no one wanna leave their seat even for dinner! faint~ kena chased out, lol..

some snapshots taken by my boy @ de condo's function room:




the 2 Js:


at de playground:


aww, he's so handsome rite? *cutie* hehe:


Candice & me:


de naughty kids:




you and me:




after dinner, we came back for more gambling! lol.. lost a small sum of $ tis time, sad! :( and my boy's mum say i was so 'mad' that day, screaming to place bets, lol! =p a nite of superb fun! too bad, work de nex day! sian!

*Birthday wishes to Yijun & Angeline who turns 21 and 22 respectively, heh. May ya dreams come true, and may happiness be wif ya always! Cheers!*

PS. Thanks to ah mou for resizing the pics for me! hehe :p

-It was a nice new year, love you dearest. the flowers are really pretty :)-

the wkend was fast over as usual. i attended one of de Fengshui talk, courtesy of my sch (free entry!). it was a very interesting talk :) call me superstitious, i just wan to avoid bad luck as much as if its within my control. do sth better than regret ltr ya? as ive heard bout it, de luck for ox in 06 aint very good. be it work, sch or r/s, all quite bad. managed to hear for my boy's family as well as my family :) and so i spend my wkend lookin ard for fengshui items, hee. my boy bought me a Mandarin Duck rose quartz crystal for v-day :) hehe. find it quite cute ;p thank u so much =D

we also catched "Fun with Dick & Jane" @ PS. wooh, full house! hmm, i still prefer Cheaper by the Dozen to tis show tho.

Sunday was 'slacking' day. not for yesterday tho, hee. after a good rest, we headed to town for some 'walking'. supposedly starting bk my dance class tis Wed, but after much consideration, my boy told me not to..:( cos of its ooh lu location, sad. he wanted me to wait a few mths ltr, whr he can drive me to the class instead, in a way safer. so now, Wed is free! ha. ok la, i'll look at it as more time for study + leisure :)

projects deadline nearing anyway. sian ah~

-take care my dearest. dun fear for the battle, be strong alrite? in your heart, you noe im still here supporting u mentally yah? love u!-